David Clarkson is coming to grips with the reality that his NHL career is more than likely finished.
Recuperating from a chronically injured back, Clarkson hasn't suited up in an NHL game since last March. The 32-year-old hasn't even set foot in the Columbus Blue Jackets' facilities this season, save for a physical he took in September.
Clarkson spoke candidly with Aaron Portzline of The Columbus Dispatch about his situation, and how much he misses the game.
"I left home at 15 to play juniors, and hockey's all I've ever known," Clarkson said. "It's hard to go through, but I'll look at a picture of my kids, or think about them, and it brings me back to earth. I have a lot to be happy about, but this sucks. There's not a day that goes by - not an hour, honestly - when I don't think about (playing hockey) and miss it."
Clarkson said there are days when he skates, and days when he's bed-ridden, unable to move.
The Toronto-area native meets with doctors every few weeks for consultations on three degenerative discs in the L5 region of his spine, which is the same condition that's kept Nathan Horton - the player the Maple Leafs exchanged Clarkson for in 2015 - out of hockey since the 2013-14 season. There's no surefire fix, and surgery would all but officially end his career.
"When I know an appointment is coming up, I get those butterfly feelings that maybe they're going to tell me something good," he said. "That would be my dream come true, because I have a lot of nights where I have trouble going to sleep. My mind is just spinning."
Clarkson, who's played 570 NHL games spread between the Devils, Maple Leafs, and Blue Jackets, is under contract until after the 2019-20 season.
