Hide your kids, hide your wife, Pierre the Pelican is going under the knife.
That's right, the most vicious name in all of pro sport got a mascot to match the feared bird, and surprise, it's terrifying.
It's beak was terrible, his smile too maniacal. He gave children nightmares and now he's going under the knife for reconstructive surgery, says the NBA:
"New Orleans Pelicans mascot, Pierre, suffered a broken beak on Saturday, Feb. 8 at the Pelicans Practice Facility during a pickup game of basketball with fellow NBA mascots Grizz (Memphis Grizzlies), Rocky (Denver Nuggets) and Slamson (Sacramento Kings), as well as NFL mascot, Gumbo (New Orleans Saints).
Cute, NBA, but whatever will be unveiled when the new Pierre the Pelican is revealed won't represent the vicious bird of his namesake. If you think that's a joke, it's not. The bird should be feared.
When the name was announced, Deadspin wrote this defense of the pelican, which many in the know would wholeheartedly agree with.
Compared to the well-rounded citizen that is the raven, the pelican is the serial killer of birds. Not only is it a carnivore—it is a hypercarnivore. (That's a scientific term; look it up.) The pelican eats meat, and only meat. The pelican doesn't eat anything that didn't used to be alive. What's more—unlike an eagle or a falcon—the pelican almost never scavenges someone else's kill. It craves warm flesh, so it gets the job done itself.
If that wasn't enough to change your opinion of the bird, then maybe this excerpt from the same piece will sway you:
The pelican will eat as much as four pounds of fish per day, nearly half its body weight. Its bloodlust is insatiable. It wants to kill you and everyone you've ever cared about. Don't believe me? Here's a pelican eating baby ducklings. And because that's not cruel enough, it makes their mother watch.
Pierre the Pelican 2.0 will be a fluffy caricature, a shadow of his former self.
RIP Pierre the Pelican 1.0. You will be missed.
