How to nail your fantasy baseball team name
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The offseason is when serious fantasy owners separate themselves from the pack by researching the prospects, diving deeper into advanced analytics and preparing to implement new strategies in the season ahead.
If homework doesn't appeal to you, the hotstove season is also when the comedians, pranksters and rogues plot and scheme to win the game within the game. I am, of course, referring to the battle for the best fantasy team name in your league.
The key to a great fantasy name is all in the pun. There might not be a trophy for best team name (and if there is, I want to join your league), but follow these guidelines and you'll be sure to impress your peers.
Pick the right target: There are thousands of people related to baseball but not all of them are ideal pun candidates. Go too broad ("The Bryce is Right") and you risk having the same team name as hundreds of other fantasy owners. Go too niche ("Bend It Like Gordon Beckham") and you run the risk of the gag just not resonating.
Your team name needs to stand on its own without being defended. If the explanation starts with "You're familiar with Rockies utility infielder Alexi Amarista, right?," you've already lost the battle.
You'll have to find a player that occupies a certain place in baseball hipsterdom, beloved as much (if not more) for what they do off than field than on it. When in doubt, pick someone extreme -- tall, short, fat, bearded, hyper, goofy -- whatever makes an otherwise run-of-the-mill ballplayer a fan favorite.
Prime candidates include adorable Braves graybeard SP Bartolo Colon, pesky Rangers 2B Rougned Odor, wild-eyed and bearded Giants OF Hunter Pence, Reds speedster Billy Hamilton and diminutive Blue Jays SP Marcus Stroman.
Strike a balance: The other side of the pun is the turn of phrase that's otherwise unrelated to your target player. It can still be baseball-themed ("Big League Choo"), but it will be easier to come up with an original team name when the other half of the pun is something topical.
It's not hard to predict what some of this year's top themes will be. Summer blockbusters will be a prime target ("The Fast and the Gregorius"), as well popular television shows ("The Walking Headley"; "Game of Gomes"). There will surely be plenty of holdovers from the 2016 election season ("Josh DonaldTrump"; "I'm With Herrera"). Yawn.
These fall into the same issue with being overly broad. Does anyone really want more election puns? The key will be to identify the trends in popular culture as they emerge; that's how you get the perfect blend of player and reference.
I wish I could tell you today which Pitbull song will be mercilessly blasted across radio waves from March to September, but we're all going to have to cross that insufferable bridge when we get to it.
Know your crowd: Inside jokes can pay big dividends but you need to know your fellow league mates well. If you play in a league full of Red Sox fanatics, you'll have an appreciative audience for a team name based on the time you passed out on Junichi Tazawa's lawn. Otherwise, expect crickets.
There's also value in a team name that doesn't lean too heavily on vulgarity, especially when playing against new fantasy owners. Your performance in serious fantasy leagues relies heavily on the trust you build with your opponents. You'll garner more respect in trade talks if your team name isn't an overused pun based on Albert Pujols' last name.
Keep it brief: I'm sure you've got hundreds of awesome Marc Rzepczynski and Jarrod Saltalamacchia puns archived in leather-bound books. I hate to be the one to tell you this but character limits exist.
You might find it easier to build your brilliant pun around a more economical name, like Mariners 1B Adam Lind ("Dust in the Lind") or Mets 1B Lucas Duda ("Duda Right Thing").
Be original: Above all, bring something new to the table. If the inspiration for your team name is one of the most popular names in baseball, it's unlikely that you're the first person to think of a joke. That rules out any prospective team names that appear on a list of top fantasy team names.
If you try to pass off a pilfered team name as your own, the fantasy baseball gods decree that all your highly drafted pitchers will be on innings limits and your hot prospect will spend the entire season mashing in Triple-A. I'm talking directly to you, Gregory. You did not invent "Ellsbury Dough Boy." Stop lying.