5 Olympic opening ceremony uniforms we're trying to forget

The Olympics bring the nations of the world together to establish a global hierarchy of biathletes and ski jumpers for another four years. For a short time, the host country's history of conflict, human rights violations and government corruption is set aside to focus on the sanctity of sport.

No international annual gathering of even the most mainstream winter sports (save for hockey) draws attention like the Olympic platform. No matter how many lifetimes the athletes of Nordic Combined give in effort, the FIS can't give the Fletcher brothers what the Olympics can.

And the Games give, and give, and give until we are all obsessed with medal counts, as if our cheers from office chairs and kitchen tables are actually making all the difference in Patrick Chan's short program score.

By the end of the 18-day affair, we've talked about the athletes like we know them -- like their sacrifices are our sacrifices. We've felt Lindsay Jacobellis' fall at the end of the Women's Snowboardcross finals. Whether it was the best feeling in the world or the worst, we remember exactly where we were when Zach Parise's shot ended up in Canada's net with 24 seconds to go.

When images of Parise in the Ralph Lauren-designed Team USA uniform for Sochi's Opening Ceremony surfaced on Thursday, the internet lit up brighter than the goal light in Vancouver four years ago.

Ralph Lauren has defined American style for 47 years, long before his iconic pony won the contract to the U.S. team's uniform from Roots Canada in 2008. In fact, the 2014 collection is entirely designed, sourced and manufactured in the United States. 

With over 40 partners across the U.S., the blood, sweat and handiwork of regular Americans went into drawing every seam, dying the yarns, and knitting each strategically placed white star on that garment. 

Parise in a patchwork Americana sweater oozes 'USA! USA!' chants. It's the Star-Spangled Banner, only stronger, better, faster. It's self-indulgent and excessive like the winning house in an annual Christmas light contest.  It's the complete opposite of hideously ugly because its call of duty is to put these superhumans on a podium before they've even touched down in the Athletes' Village. It's just what we do.

And isn't that exactly what the Olympics are? For just shy of three weeks, we're all barfing patriotism. It's leaking from our pores whether it's the celebratory moments on top of the podium or the epic failures that become ours, too. 

As the Opening Ceremony in Sochi inches closer on this year's calendar, we look at some of the countries that got it all wrong in Games-past, struggling to figure out their identity, or colliding in some overly ambitious effort to embody the host nation into their own uniform. (Looking at you, every single country wearing cowboy hats at Calgary 1988.)

Here are five winners (or losers, depending who's asking):

Who: Mexico

When: Salt Lake City 2002

What: Celebrating the 16th anniversary of Top Gun seems a little strange, but you can't blame the small Mexican delegation at the 2002 Winter Games in Salt Lake City for a terrific appearance in the Opening Ceremony as Maverick and Iceman. Identity crisis? Probably. Still awesome? Yes.

Who: Germany

When: Vancouver 2010

What: Germany's Sochi get-up debuted in October to suggestions that the rainbow jackets were a silent protest of Russia's anti-gay laws. Whatever it is, it's a big step away from the country's 'Boys in blue! Girls in pink!' efforts. Yes, many countries have different uniforms for men and women, but following the color scheme of a baby shower in 2010 seems like a terrible disservice to those hardworking Olympians, no? 

Germany has been Ken and Barbie's biggest advocate since Calgary in 1988.

"I really love our lavender visors!" -no one

Who: Italy

When: Lillehammer 1994

What: The Italian Olympic team stepped out into the chilly Norwegian air in the bluest blues Norway had ever seen. The crowd reacts with appropriate boredom. But hold the phone, fine people of Norway! The head-to-toe azure is very much Italy. The light blue shade in is 'azzurro', and the plural 'azzurri' is the nickname of the Italian national football team. 

Oh, wait. The crowd is probably just reacting politely to those pom-pom ball caps.

Who: Russian Federation

When: Vancouver 2010

What: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, though it's unlikely the Russians were doing a Throwback Thursday to one of the most iconic Olympic team jackets in the last two decades when they marched in Vancouver's Parade of Nations.

Flagbearer Alexey Morozov is looking up, presumably wondering how many of Canada's 35-millionish people are digging up old photos of Ross Rebagliati for comparison. Say what?

Who: Switzerland

When: Lillehammer 1994

What: The Swiss are very good at numbers, chocolate, the Alps, and taking 1994 to a level previously only mastered by expansion teams in professional sports. Switzerland walked into Lillehammer's Opening Ceremony venue with the swagger of the Florida Marlins, Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, Colorado Rockies and Vancouver Grizzlies all rolled into one spectacular snowsuit. 

Shout out to the camerapeople who captured every crowd reaction to the Swiss team's uniform in one single shot.