The very powerful NFL power rankings - Week 6

All NFL mascots are walking night terrors breach-birthed from the pus-oozing belly of a #branding #genius. There is no disputing this basic elemental fact of our universe. There even exists considerable journalistic research that suggests all NFL mascots are part of a loose collective dedicated to remaking the world in the twisted hellscape of an image that burns bright in their lifeless eyes.

Here are all 32 NFL teams ranked by how their mascots haunt my every waking moment.

1. Dallas Cowboys - Rowdy

A rictus grinned Cowboy caricature with a suspiciously oversized hat that, I assume, he uses to store the dismembered bodies of children.

2. San Franciscco 49ers - Sourdough Sam

Sourdough is made by fermenting dough into a metastasizing mass of bacteria. Sourdough Sam is a ratty, opium crazed prospector who wants you to see his “magic mine.”

3. Miami Dolphins-T.D.

T.D. is a haunting vision of the future. A future ruled by a rare breed of albino dolphins that have claimed both sea and land.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars - Jaxson de Ville

De Ville is Chester Cheetah after a few years of crystal meth and some time in D-block. I’m pretty sure he started out as an enforcer for the Zetas drug cartel.

5. Tennessee Titans - T-Rac

Very obviously some cross-bred lab experiment infected with a weaponized form of rabies, T-Rac is the patient zero that ends humanity’s reign.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers - Steely McBeam

A mathematically pristine collection of right angles and Stern Factory Dad vibes, Steely was conceived by Bill Cowher during his early days as a demon shaman.

7. Indianapolis Colts - Blue

The cartoonishly dopey horse-doof act is just that, an act. Blue’s thousand-mile stare keeps you from catching a glimpse of the gangrenous soul that’s eating away at what’s left of his horse-manity.

8. Denver Broncos - Miles

The equine avatar of Bobby Budnick and every bit his equal in the bullying ginger dick department.

9. Arizona Cardinals - Big Red

That gaping beaked maw is the perfect size for an adult human head. Evolution is trying to tell us what’s coming.

10. Chicago Bears - Staley Da Bear

A homeless bear of some ill-defined species who spends his purposeless days roaming Soldier Field and scaring off suburban white folk. Welcome to American decay.

11. Carolina Panthers - Sir Purr

The impish flamboyance of Sir Purr is just a front for his notorious night-time proclivities. He makes the Marquis de Sade look like Urkel.

12. Atlanta Falcons - Freddie Falcon

A googly-eyed career supervillain lackey in search of redemption, Freddie spends sleepless nights staring at his cellphone. He’s not sure if he wants the Injustice League to return his calls or not.

13. Philadelphia Eagles - Swoop

Swoop would be the ideal Tea Party mascot save for the fact that being an Eagles fan gives him a legitimate reason to be pissed off. Still, we can’t risk our football mascots being radicalized by insurgents.

14. Cleveland Browns - Chimp

Look, I don’t like the idea of trotting out supra-human sized anthropomorphic dogs for all the world’s canine population to see. And learn from.

15. New Orleans Saints - Gumbo & Sir Saint

Gumbo is a St. Bernard because when you think New Orleans, I guess you think St. Bernards? Sir Saint is a sentient chin tumor. Two words: sleeper agents.

16. St. Louis Rams - Rampage

The ram is a mythological symbol common to many cultures, which makes you wonder what exactly Rampage’s elaborate dance routines are trying to summon forth from the endless ether.

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Captain Fear

Know this: Captain Fear secretes an aerosol synthetic pheromone from his pores that triggers the fight or flight response. He’s responsible for every major military action of the past two decades.

18. New England Patriots - Patriot Pat

The long-lost brother of Project Pat, Patriot knows nothing of his kin and feels a gnawing emptiness from within. He wanders the night, searching, longing… and every night ends with a fresh batch of bodies to dispose of.

19. Kansas City Chiefs - K.C. Wolf

Yeah, let’s just have a wolf roam the greater Kansas City area. Another great idea from the league that withheld data on traumatic brain injury.

20. Detroit Lions - Roary

A lion who uses an inordinate amount of mane products, Roary is the greased-up, slicked-back politician who can’t wait to get his paws (Ha! Get it?) on some nuclear launch codes.

21. Baltimore Ravens - Poe

The reality-bound manifestation of Edgar Allen Poe’s existential dread, Poe is the symbol of what we all know: this won’t last.

22. Buffalo Bills - Billy Buffalo

Billy Buffalo looks like someone decided to make Beast into even more of an insult to nature. It’s a matter of time until he decides we should all look as physiologically mangled as he does.

23. Cincinnati Bengals - Who Dey

Bengal tigers are notorious for hunting humans when their territory is compromised. I doubt Who Dey thinks Paul Brown Stadium belongs to the humans.

24. Houston Texans - Toro

Yeah, let’s just stick a Minotaur in a labyrinthine NFL Stadium. When this gets out of hand, remember that I always said Theseus won’t be walking through that door.

25. Minnesota Vikings - Ragnar & Viktor

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it, which means we’re a few years away from a gang of Vikings pillaging the state of Minnesota and restarting their empire. That’s what you get for electing Michelle Bachmann.

26. Seattle Seahawks - Blitz

Birds of prey are among the most effective predators in the animal kingdom, so I guess it makes sense that we should pump one full of steroids and see how long it takes for social Darwinism to kick in.

27. New York Giants - None

Lame

28. Washington Redskins - None

Lame.

29. New York Jets - None

Lame.

30. Oakland Raiders - None

Lame.

31. San Diego Chargers - None

Lame.

32. Green Bay Packers - None

Lame.

This has been a reminder that all NFL mascots must be murdered. Now.