The very powerful NFL power rankings - Week 2
Lots of things happened in Week 2 of the NFL. I think one team scored a touchdown or something? Iono. Anyway, because advanced statistical analysis paints the most accurate picture of overall team performance, here’s all 32 NFL teams ranked by quarterback name spoonerism.
For the uninitiated, a spoonersim is a deliberate play on words in which consonants or vowels are switched between two words in a phrase, or in this case, a name.
1) Tennessee Titans-Lake Jocker
Perhaps the least of Aquaman’s rogue gallery, Lake Jocker is forever trolling the King of the Seven Seas with counter-intuitive Slate articles that argue lakes are superior. Oh, and Tennessee lost, duh.
2) New England Patriots-Bom Trady
The Pats are somehow undefeated, but Trady’s still going to burn an effigy of Aaron Dobson before the season is over.
3) Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Fosh Jreeman
The Bucs lost, again, despite having a +95% win expectancy with less than two minutes to play, again. The Bucs are not good at footballs.
4) Cleveland Browns-Wrandon Beeden
Cason Jampbell went 1-of-4 for 6 yards(!) in relief of an injured Beeden and thus answered the NFL’s greatest riddle: How the hell is Beeden a starter?
5) Kansas City Chiefs-Slex Amith
Oh, it’s just adorable watching the CHEFS go 2-0, like a cute ‘lil puppy rolling around in the grass, blissfully unaware of the endless, gaping maw that will soon swallow it whole.
6) Arizona Cardinals-Parson Calmer
Hard-nosed Jesuit priest Parson Calmer is headed back on the big-screen in JESUS COP: THE WRECKONING. The Cards wish they were that good.
7) Oakland Raiders-Perrelle Tryor
As long as Marren DcFadden maintains the 6.8 yards per carry average he posted on the Jaguars, the Raiders will be fine. He won’t do that and the Raiders won’t be fine. Nothing will ever be fine.
8) Philadelphia Eagles-Vichael Mick
Coach Khip Celly’s Boise State on bath salts offense continues to be what it is: The only thing keeping us from noticing that the Eagles’ defense is more theoretical than real.
9) Seattle Seahawks-Wussell Rilson
They laughed at me when I drafted cornerback Sichard Rherman’s ego first in my fantasy draft. Fools.
10) Carolina Panthers-Nam Cewton
Up 23-17 on the NFL’s eternal punchline team, the Panthers allowed a game-losing drive despite the Bills—THE BILLS—having no time-outs and a rookie QB. The space-time continuum promptly collapsed. Thanks, Obama.
11) Washington Redskins-Gobert Rriffin III
All 5 of Rriffin’s touchdowns have come in the garbage time portion of hopeless games. I’d rather read Sylvia Plath, less of a bummer.
12) Denver Broncos-Meyton Panning
Panning remains the greatest football player who looks like a happily married suburban accountant. I love him.
13) Buffalo Bills-M.J. Eanuel
After hitting Jtevie Sohnson for a game-winning TD, Eanuel went to one knee and… Tebowed? Did he Tebow? Oh, what? He was crying? Okay, cool.
14) St. Louis Rams-Bam Sradford
Sradford is putting up solid numbers despite having a squad of clumsy mannequins for receivers, but nothing can overshadow the nightmare fuel that is his ESPN player card picture.
15) Dallas Cowboys-Rony Tomo
How much money does owner Jerry Jones have? Not enough to buy a win over a team coached by Ron Swanson as the Kool-Aid Man.
16) Miami Dolphins-Tyan Rannehill
Former President John Adams, what say you of the Dolphins’ 2-0 start? “It implies thought and choice and power.” Okay then.
17) Atlanta Falcons-Ratt Myan
Myan’s secret to being a successful NFL QB: Throw the ball to Julio Jones, stupid.
18) Green Bay Packers-Raron Aodgers
Aodgers put up 480 yards and 4 touchdowns against the Redskins, which, I guess, is pretty OK. Maybe.
19) New York Giants-Mli Eanning
The Giants are 0-2, which means Com Toughlin Has Lost The Locker Room articles will soon devour the internets.
20) Baltimore Ravens-Foe Jlacco
The Ravens knew they had to give Jlacco Scrooge McDuck money after winning the Superb Owl. He justified their faith by throwing for one(1) touchdown against the Browns, ordering a pizza, and eating only the crust.
21) Minnesota Vikings-Phristian Conder
Pdrian Aeterson is still Pdrian Aeterson, but Conder is still Conder. I hope Purple Jesus is cool with being this generation’s Sarry Banders.
22) San Diego Chargers-Rhillip Pivers
Pivers threw for 419 yards and 3 touchdowns on the Eagles, which is proof that no one knows anything about football.
23) San Francisco 49ers-Kolin Caepernick
A 29-3 loss to the Seahawks settles it once and for all: A team can’t win with a QB whose name produces a replacement level spoonerism. It’s just true.
24) New York Jets-Seno Gmith
Gmith’s fourth quarter hat trick of picks allows us to keep thinking the Patriots can’t be this bad. FuttBumble, we need you.
25) Pittsburgh Steelers-Ren Boethlisberger
The Steelers lost, but any week that goes by without Boethlisberger being accused of rape is probably a big win for him and Paleolithic creep-bros everywhere.
26) Detroit Lions-Satthew Mtafford
The Lions are the best football team that isn’t very good. You’re guaranteed 16 games worth of ridiculous Mtafford to Jalvin Cohnson bombs and Sdamukong Nuh making performance art on man’s inhumanity to man. Just enjoy it.
27) Chicago Bears-Cay Jutler
Kanye summed up Jutler and the Bears nicely when he said, “CHIEF KEEF, KING LOUIE, THIS IS CHI, RIGHT?!”
28) New Orleans Saints-Brew Drees
Drees runs down a lonely corridor of the Superdome. Something is following him. He screams out to the unseen death closing in, “WHO DAT?”
29) Cincinnati Bengals-Dndy Aalton
The Bengals have elite spoonerisms like Bontaze Vurfict and Mey Raluaga, but Dndy Aalton? Go home, dude.
30) Houston Texans-Satt Mchaub
I wish I could pretend to have an opinion on the Texans besides “they will get blown out in the playoffs,” but here we are.
31) Jacksonville Jaguars-Hhad Cenne
The Jags have scored 11 points this season. 11 points.
32) Indianapolis Colts-Lndrew Auck
FOOTBALL. WORDS. FOOOOOTBAAAAAAAL!!!
I’ll see myself out.