No bounce: Pardew's troubled West Brom sleepwalking to relegation
Bradford City's resident DJ was asked to explain himself last month when he chose to play Talking Heads' "Road to Nowhere" in the aftermath of a 4-0 home defeat to AFC Wimbledon. It must have taken every ounce of professionalism from West Bromwich Albion's own disc-spinner to not drop the needle on some of Morrissey's most melancholic efforts in recent times.
Considering the dreary football during Tony Pulis' regime - his team averaged 0.99 goals per Premier League game - it's unsurprising the Hawthorns hierarchy sought cheap, immediate excitement in Alan Pardew. The Wimbledon native has developed a reputation for inspiring instant responses from teams through direct football, until all the bravado, lust, and lustre is lost in a sloven, furry-mouthed hangover.
Except Pardew's alcopop rush hasn't happened. The bounce has been non-existent. The Baggies are bottom, still averaging under a goal a game, and it took careful fiscal planning to broker a loan deal for Daniel Sturridge in January. West Brom has stretched itself with its wage expenditure, and the Financial Fair Play brigade is watching closely.
Then, to make matters worse, the club felt compelled to support Jay Rodriguez in his appeal against his FA charge for alleged racial abuse of Brighton & Hove Albion's Gaetan Bong. Sturridge's injury record and Salomon Rondon's anonymity when operating as the lone man (often through no fault of his own, considering what's behind him) put Rodriguez as the standout attacking threat at West Brom, especially since Matt Phillips has gone off the boil. If Rodriguez is served a substantial ban, the Baggies could be doomed.
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Just like when Pulis' West Brom ceased to be stable at the back, what is the point in Pardew when he doesn't provide an early upturn in form? The playing staff at his disposal isn't conducive to the direct football Pardew prefers. The scant backup behind full-backs Allan Nyom and Kieran Gibbs, and an understandable reservation in trusting the undisciplined James McClean and extremely raw Oliver Burke, have forced Pardew to find route-one width with an ageing legion stacked with centre-halves and central midfielders.
After flirtations with using Hal Robson-Kanu and others, Chris Brunt, who has a gifted left trotter but turned 33 in December, has been redeployed in front of the left-back role he began to adopt under Pulis. He's started six of the last seven league matches, and in that time has completed just two take-ons (both of which came in a goalless meeting with Everton) but has been responsible for almost a third of West Brom's crosses. It's wholly predictable; rather than having a pacey player or two to rely on, such as with his French throng at Newcastle United or Wilfried Zaha at Crystal Palace, Pardew finds himself relying on a veteran who cannot encroach into the final third.
The Pulis influence lurks in the Black Country: West Brom's football is irrevocably dull, and unsuccessful to boot. Last time the Baggies faced Chelsea they lost 4-0, with the home support - and at least two players, if you believe The Mirror's James Nursey - joining the travelling fans' choruses of "Tony Pulis, your football is s***." Next Monday, it may take a monstrous PA system to drown out the relieved locals and irate visitors at Stamford Bridge upon the final whistle.
And, as it stands, West Brom isn't on the road to nowhere; in fact, the club's increasingly likely destination is heavily signposted. A Championship trip to Bradford (the Yorkshire club is ambitiously looking toward promotion from the third tier) is a distinct and harrowing possibility.