European kit rankings: The 10 best home shirts
As Europe's biggest sides partake in inconsequential fixtures in footballing hot spots like Regina and Nashville, clubs unveil flashy new kits in hopes of boosting sales in emerging markets previously untapped.
Like a strike from 40 yards, these new strips can be hit or miss, with the latter more prevalent as the continent's biggest clubs struggle to find a utopian nexus between tradition and modernity.
When it comes to designing a trendy tunic, restraint governs fashion, and with that in mind, here's an unscientific look at 10 of European football's best new home kits for the 2017-18 term:
10) Borussia Dortmund
Intentionally distressed garments have made their way to the German top tier, with Borussia Dortmund expanding on its preferred yellow kit with one that looks like it was used to wash the car before being run over by said vehicle.
(Photo courtesy: @BVB/Twitter)
Bundesliga brethren Borussia Monchengladbach took Dortmund to task for copying the west German's strip, which Schurrle that can't be the case? Grisly and at the same time good-looking, this strip is a cock up gone right.
9) Atletico Madrid
For the football fan who fancies the look of a person attacked by a pesky bear but without having to endure the fate of a furry friend's foe, Atletico Madrid has unveiled its 2017-18 strip to the dismay of park rangers Spain-wide.
(Photo courtesy: @Atleti/Twitter)
Pity Atleti wantaway winger Yannick Ferreira Carrasco and an expression of discontent fitting of a mugshot painted on an otherwise faultless visage, though it could be worse; the club has previously worn kits adorned with endorsements for Spider-Man, the Kevin James/Will Smith yawner Hitch, and Hellboy, whatever that is.
8) Bayern Munich
A classic and traditional look that pays tribute to the iconic 1974 strip, Bayern Munich's 2017-18 release features four white stripes and an added black outline highlighting the sponsor's logo.
(Photo courtesy: fcbayern.com/shop)
By far the most compelling aspect of the kit, it can be ordered with a player's name affixed to the chemise with Velcro. A perfect option for a club bordering Chelsea's notorious abuse of the loan system, interchange Douglas Costa, Serge Gnabry, James Rodriguez, or whoever the flavour of the month is, then alter it for the next Bavarian star on a two-year temporary stay.
7) Lyon
Thumbs up if you fancy Lyon's 2017-18 home kit. Apparently new boy Marcelo Guedes agrees, and why not, with Les Gones continuing a tradition of sharp home thread with this busy, yet clean offering?
(Photo courtesy: @OL/Twitter)
Bruno Genesio's lot rocked a stately special version of the strip last Sunday against Montpellier to honour recently deceased La Paillade owner Laurent Nicollin, proving that compact doesn't necessarily mean cluttered, and the matching socks are a million flame emojis.
6) Real Madrid
Deviating from last year's script, La Liga and Champions League holder Real Madrid has caused a fuss with this combination of light-blue epaulets and sublime diagonal stripes that more resembles a training top than the kit of a double winner.
(Photo courtesy: @realmadriden/Twitter)
Three euros from the purchase of each kit will go toward refurbishing Los Blancos chairman Florentino Perez's child-drawn chariot. All the rancor directed at Real stylists is without merit. This is a fetching kit.
5) Malaga
Few clubs can routinely sell its best players and look good doing so like Andalusians Malaga. The 2017-18 version is no different, and modest ambitions come with humble festivities, as the Boquerones celebrate 10 La Liga seasons on the bounce with a commemorative badge.
(Photo courtesy: malagacf.com)
Like many of the best kits featured on this list, restraint reigns supreme with this bespoke offering. Here's hoping former Malaga forward Sandro Ramirez was gifted one before being sold to Everton for a half-eaten packet of prawn cocktail crisps and a punch in the mouth from Duncan "Disorderly" Ferguson.
4) Juventus
The Old Lady's new home kit, modeled here by two professional footballers and Stefano Sturaro, combines prison chic and candor to brilliant results.
(Photo courtesy: @juventusfc/Twitter)
Featuring Juventus' new crest and slimmer stripes than the previous season's release, the inclusion of slender black ribbons have all but quieted Gonzalo "Hefty" Higuain's muckrakers. "Keep calling me fat, I will continue to score goals," Higuain offered, while wiping marinara from his brow.
3) Monaco
When Grace Kelly ditched Hollywood for principality royalty, who knew the thespian-cum-princess would go on to design one of European football's most iconic kits? Kelly swapped vertical stripes for a diagonal look, and Monaco hasn't looked back.
(Photo courtesy: @AS_Monaco/Twitter)
With Kelly and Prince Rainier's middle child Albert now a fervent Les Monegasques supporter, this year's version is fitting of aristocracy, wisely scrapping the white sleeves for a simple, yet dazzling look when paired with white shorts and socks.
2) Lazio
I Biancocelesti has turned back the clock with this homage to the mid-'80s, complete with a font Lazio fans will warmly welcome back to the Stadio Olimpico.
(Photo courtesy @OfficialSSLazio/Twitter)
Those open arms may soon turn to shouts of protestation should Lazio wish to revisit two other trends from the era: a string of mid-table finishes and a Paolo Di Canio with hair.
1) Benfica
Jonas, say cheese! Or not, regardless, chapeau to Lisbon giant Benfica for this clean collared effort that pays tribute to club legend Eusebio with an elegant two-colour scheme and throwback crest.
(Photo courtesy: @slbenfica_en/Twitter)
Simple, chic, and refreshingly short on obtrusive manufacturer's branding, Benfica's 2017-18 home offering is the jewel of the lot. Like Leonardo da Vinci said, "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication," and who would know better than an inventor, sculptor, musician, scientist, engineer, Fiorentina supporter, writer, historian, cartographer ...