Opening Day overreactions for every MLB team

Your favorite baseball team has played at least one game of its 162-contest schedule for the 2024 season. While one doesn't seem like a lot, the opener clearly means more than any other game, and if you disagree, you're simply struggling to cope because your winless team doesn't have it this year. Let's get to our overreactions for every club.

Arizona Diamondbacks

The Diamondbacks should play three-inning games. It would be MLB's best attempt at a mercy rule. After a two-run first frame, Arizona cashed in another 14 in the third and coasted the rest of the way to a 16-1 win over the Rockies. If the league really wants to improve the pace of play, why even bother playing the final six innings against the D-Backs?

Atlanta Braves

Spencer Strider has levelled up again, adding a curveball that hitters and pitch-tracking technology alike can't comprehend. If you check Savant, it just looks like Strider threw more sliders. But that goes to show that even computers can't process how he gets so much spin on an 80-mph curve. It's impossible to overreact about how good Strider is at this point. Is he the greatest pitcher of all time? May as well be. Is he an alien? Yes, from the mustache and huge quads planet.

Baltimore Orioles

Adley Rutschman is the greatest Opening Day player of all time. It took him until this year to make his first out in an opener, and even then, he reached base - a fielder's choice in the fourth inning. Until that point, he'd been a perfect 8-for-8.

Boston Red Sox

Actually, Tyler O'Neill is the best Opening Day player of all time. This year, the two-time Gold Glover made it five consecutive openers with a homer, which is an MLB record. Will the Red Sox get the 2021 version of him that hits 33 more over the campaign or the guy who hit eight more like last year?

Chicago Cubs

Christopher Morel is bound to hit for the cycle this year. Through 220 games entering this campaign, Morel had seven triples. But the Cubs DH kicked off this season with one, so it's just a matter of time before he gets another and follows it up with a single, double, and homer.

Chicago White Sox

Time for the White Sox to trade Garrett Crochet. Their goal this year is to lose a lot of games, and sending Crochet to the mound every fifth day will be a major obstacle. It's a risk they can't afford, even if they did lose 1-0 on Thursday thanks to their anemic offense. May as well grab a prospect or two who will never approximate Crochet's value from the Dodgers.

Cincinnati Reds

Nick Martini, a 33-year-old journeyman, entered the 2024 season with eight career homers. He's on pace to hit 324 dingers this year after a two-homer Thursday. Factoring in his previous total, he'll wind up in a dead heat with Bobby Bonds and Moises Alou with 332 career long balls.

Cleveland Guardians

Shane Bieber is so back. The former Cy Young winner racked up 11 strikeouts through six shutout innings. Even if he only manages 128 innings like last year, he's on pace for 235 Ks. Will he do it? Who knows. But a couple more games against the A's can't hurt.

Colorado Rockies

Relegate the Rockies. This isn't even an overreaction. Fans waited months to watch this game and the team promptly coughed up 14 runs in a single inning, an Opening Day record. Every other club in the NL West is trying while Colorado is resigned to doing this.

Detroit Tigers

The Tigers have the best bullpen in baseball. Protecting a one-run lead for the final three innings, Shelby Miller, Andrew Chafin, and Jason Foley combined for a perfect finish, racking up five strikeouts to seal a 1-0 win over the White Sox. And no, that doesn't have anything to do with Chicago's lineup being horrendous.

Houston Astros

This is officially Jeremy Peña's, Jake Meyers', and Chas McCormick's team. If Jose Altuve, Yordan Alvarez, Kyle Tucker, Alex Bregman, or José Abreu had showed up in a meaningful way, the Astros wouldn't have coughed up a four-run lead to the Yankees.

Kansas City Royals

Maikel Garcia's leadoff homer guarantees the Royals a trip to the ALCS. The last time Kansas City's season began with a dinger was 1984 with a leadoff bomb from Onix Concepcion. The team finished as the AL runner-up in the postseason that year, losing to the Tigers.

Los Angeles Angels

Mike Trout is the best pitcher on the Angels. Have we ever seen him pitch? No. It doesn't matter. The void left by Shohei Ohtani's exit can't be filled unless Trout himself steps up, and he'd definitely post a lower ERA than Patrick Sandoval, who owns a 16.20 mark so far. Trout's homer was the team's only hit against Corbin Burnes. Let's make it a fourth MVP.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Fun fact: If you parlayed Cardinals moneyline, Betts under one homer, under two hits for Shohei Ohtani and Freddie Freeman, and over five strikeouts for Tyler Glasnow, you'd be down roughly $4.5 million.

Miami Marlins

The Marlins might be the best contact-hitting team ever created. They played 12 innings on Opening Day and collectively struck out seven times without a single player striking out more than once. The rest of the lineup obviously spent the offseason studying at the Luis Arraez School of Hitting.

Milwaukee Brewers

Introducing the Jackson Chourio cycle: A leadoff walk to start the game, a stolen base, and a single later on. Kid's a freak. He's the fastest kid alive.

Minnesota Twins

A Twins lineup with Royce Lewis, Byron Buxton, Carlos Correa, and Max Kepler is like an eclipse: It's rare, it's spectacular, and if you stare directly at it, you'll injure your quad.

New York Mets

A truly cursed 2024 Mets season is underway. It started by making fans wait an extra 24 hours for it to even begin, and then the wreath meant to be presented to Carlos Mendoza fell over at least twice before the opener. An omen of what's to come.

That was then followed up by the team recording one measly hit - a Starling Marte homer - against the Brewers pitching staff. Pack it in, Mets.

New York Yankees

The Yankees overcame an early four-run deficit for their largest Opening Day comeback since 1950. They just so happened to win the World Series that year. While 1950 may not be the last time the Yankees won the championship, it certainly feels like it sometimes.

Oakland Athletics

It's weird that the Athletics were the only team to trot out their spring training split-squad lineup for Opening Day. I mean, the fans seemed to know this game counted. It's still March, so maybe the A's were confused. But it's odd that MLB wouldn't intervene to make sure major leaguers played once the regular season officially got underw- (taps earpiece) I'm being told this is the Athletics' actual roster. We regret the error.

Philadelphia Phillies

Teams without domes should be banned from hosting Opening Day games - particularly ones in locations that frequently get rain in early spring, like Philadelphia. Sorry folks, you can either host the second series of the year or build a stadium with a retractable roof. That's the deal.

Pittsburgh Pirates

The Pirates narrowly escaped with an extra-innings win despite being the worst baserunning team of all time. In extras alone, Pittsburgh made at least two inexcusable gaffes on the basepaths, starting with an atrocious send from third base coach Mike Rabelo that had rookie catcher Henry Davis out at home by at least 20 feet.

San Diego Padres

Xander Bogaerts will win the batting title in his redemption season. Almost sixteen months after signing his unfairly maligned 11-year, $280-million deal, Bogaerts has six hits through three games and a .462 batting average. Coincidentally, his old Red Sox teammate Mookie Betts is the only player with more hits (seven), but Betts has had his time in the sun.

San Francisco Giants

Pickoff attempts should be illegal after a player records their first career hit. This entry was suggested by Jung Hoo Lee, who was immediately caught napping at first base by Yu Darvish while celebrating a bloop single for his first MLB knock.

Seattle Mariners

The Mariners' pitching staff simply doesn't have it. Look, it's one game, but the staff played the hits in the opener, giving up at least one knock to each of Boston's starters. When Noevli Marte's suspension is over, Seattle should see if the Reds want Luis Castillo back.

St. Louis Cardinals

Paul Goldschmidt and the Cardinals as a team are both on pace for 486 hits. As the Dodgers pummelled them Thursday, only Goldschmidt recorded a hit -and he managed three. Seems like Goldschmidt was the only Cardinal prepared to be "the hardest working group of Midwestern farmers we can be," while Miles Mikolas was bested by "checkbook baseball."

Tampa Bay Rays

To make up for last year's season-opening dominance, the Rays will give the rest of the league a head start and go 0-13. To kick off the 2023 campaign, Tampa Bay tied the modern-era record by going undefeated through its first 13 games. The Blue Jays immediately ensured the Rays couldn't do that again, and now it's time to balance things out.

Texas Rangers

I never expected to have an opinion about a banner, but this is the ugliest championship banner I've ever seen:

Bonus: The Rangers had to beat the Cubs and the umps. After a brutal call in the top of the ninth inning ruled that a foul tip off Miles Mastrobuoni's bat was a wild pitch, Chicago scored the go-ahead run. The defending champs still won on a walk-off hit from catcher Jonah Heim because ball don't lie.

Toronto Blue Jays

Homers and hits with runners in scoring position in a win against the Rays at the Trop? Are we sure these are the Blue Jays? After their interminable 2023 campaign, a sixth-inning Opening Day rally that featured two homers and two other hits with RISP is a completely unrecognizable performance. If Isiah Kiner-Falefa hadn't found a way to ground out twice in that inning, it'd be time to plan the parade.

Washington Nationals

Joey Gallo has three separate seasons in the top 30 for most strikeouts, and he's going for the all-time crown this year. Over a full season, his three Ks on Opening Day would put him on pace for 486 punchouts - comfortably eclipsing the record of 223 that Mark Reynolds set in 2009.