4 ideal gifts for Jose Mourinho's 53rd birthday
The Special One celebrates his 53rd birthday today, and to mark the occasion, here are some gifts the mercurial out-of-work manager might receive from four parties involved in his latest tenure with Chelsea.
Papy Djilobodji
What do you get the man that has everything except a job? Out-of-favour Chelsea defender Papy Djilobodji has a surplus of seat cushions that would be a fitting gift for the Portuguese gaffer approaching the twilight of his decorated career.
(Courtesy: @ChelseaFC)
With just one League Cup substitute appearance to his name in a 4-1 defeat of Walsall, Djilobodji has spent a fair bit of time sitting during Chelsea's matches.
Signed in the summer from Nantes, apparently without Mourinho's blessing, Djilobodji has been a missing man at Stamford Bridge this season, prompting a recent loan move to Werder Bremen.
Who better than the 27-year-old centre-back to understand the value of a poignant birthday offering? If Mourinho finds the seats on the tube a tad firm during his job interview travels, perhaps a seat cushion would help remedy his discomfort.
Eva Carneiro
Former Chelsea team doctor Eva Carneiro's legal dispute with the club and Mourinho over constructive dismissal rumbles on, but there's much more to this story than trips to Croydon's London South Employment Tribunal.
Reports surfaced last September that Mourinho pitched a sexist tirade at the Gilbraltan on the touchline after he thought Carneiro was "impulsive and naive" in tending to Eden Hazard when the 10-man Blues were chasing a win.
If the Portuguese did voice this neanderthal nonsense on the Stamford Bridge touchline, he needs educating. Carneiro could help fill his spare time from eyeing job postings with a handy seminar on the dangers of sexism in the workplace.
To help keep costs down while paying her lawyers, she can send Mourinho a link to a free recording on the subject.
Arsene Wenger
Never afraid to speak his mind, Mourinho's greatest adversary was Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger, who he characterized as a "Peeping Tom" during his first spell at Stamford Bridge.
"Wenger has a real problem with us and I think he is what you call in England a voyeur. He is someone who likes to watch other people," Mourinho said.
"He's out of order, disconnected with reality, and disrespectful. When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid sometimes and not more intelligent."
Wenger didn't pull any punches in countering Mourinho's absurdities, offering that intelligence and success as a football manager aren't mutually exclusive. If Mourinho reckons Wenger is a voyeur, perhaps he'd be more willing to dabble in the art of ogling if he had a drone equipped with a long-range camera.
Without employment, Mourinho could spend his near-unlimited free time observing Arsenal from bird's eye view as it chases its first title since 2003-04.
Romelu Lukaku, Kevin De Bruyne, Mohamed Salah, others
Many talented players have come and gone at Stamford Bridge, and some of the names out the exit door don't exactly shed light on Mourinho's ability to spot young talent.
Had the ousted gaffer exercised a little more patience with his playing staff, Chelsea could've boasted the likes of Juan Mata, Mohamed Salah, Kevin De Bruyne, and Romelu Lukaku streaming forward this term. Instead, interim manager Guus Hiddink has been left with Radamel Falcao, Loic Remy, and the disappointing Pedro in reserve.
How about Mata, Salah, De Bruyne, Lukaku all chip in for a gift? There's no great need to stretch those pay packets - a used copy of "Football for Dummies" is going for under £8 online right now.