The Weekend Review: Stunning own goals, late drama and the perils of hot coffee

Every Monday, we'll take a stroll through Europe to review the best - and worst - the top leagues on the continent had to offer over the weekend. As always, there is plenty to discuss after a full slate of action.

The Storylines

Eight is great for Southampton against woeful Sunderland

Disclaimer: Sunderland is really, really bad.

Now that we got that out of the way, we can gush about how incredible it was to see so many goals scored in a single match by someone other than Real Madrid, Barcelona or Inter (when they play against Sassuolo).

Southampton, who continue to show every week that they are the only legitimate threat to the monotony that has become the Premier League's top four, obliterated Sunderland 8-0 on Saturday, becoming the first English side to score at least eight goals in a match since Chelsea in 2012.

A stunning own goal from Santiago Vergini (which we'll get to in a minute) opened the floodgates in the 12th minute. Graziano Pelle and Jack Cork made it 3-0 before the half. The rout was on. Another own goal, this time from Liam Bridcutt in the 63rd minute, preceded Pelle's second tally, which was followed by Dusan Tadic, Victor Wanyama and Sadio Mane getting in on the fun.

Just how bad was it for the Black Cats? Goalkeeper Vito Mannone, for whom we should all spare a thought after a match like this, suggests that his teammates reimburse the Sunderland fans who made the trip to St. Mary's Stadium.

"I will personally talk to the team to see if it is possible to pay their tickets and their trip," he said.

Now that's a serious attempt at reconciliation.

You get an own goal, and you get an own goal, and you get an own goal ...

You would be forgiven for thinking Oprah Winfrey was made FIFA president over the weekend, considering the giving mood defenders throughout Europe seemed to be in. The holiday season is coming, I suppose.

Own goals, some of the stunning variety, dominated the play on the pitch.

The most dramatic display of free giveaways came from Loftus Road, where Queens Park Rangers twice put the ball beyond their own goalkeeper en route to a fascinating 3-2 loss to the Reds.

Richard Dunne's unfortunate mishap opened the scoring in the 67th minute. Things stayed quiet for 20 minutes, and then all hell broke loose. Eduardo Vargas scored in the 87th minute. 1-1. Philippe Coutinho restored the advantage in the 90th minute. Vargas responded again 180 seconds later. 2-2. 

And then, because it just had to end this way, Steven Caulker inadvertently steered a pass from Raheem Sterling into his own goal with the last touch of the game. 3-2. Game over. QPR's soul crushed.

At least Dunne set a record in the process: 

In honor of the unfortunately prolific Irishman, here are three (!) own goals that rivalled anything we saw from teams scoring in the appropriate net this weekend:

• Sunderland's Santiago Vergini with a stunning finish
• Verona's Rafael Marques leaves his 'keeper rooted to the spot
• FC Porto's Ivan Marcano with a bullet header

Who says defenders aren't capable of scoring beautiful goals?

The Highlights

Oscar's brilliant free kick helps Chelsea defeat Crystal Palace

Normally, you don't like to see a goalkeeper beaten on his side of the wall from a free kick. If he's standing there, the general expectation is that he should be making the save. Only something out of this world could possibly beat him in that situation. Something like this, actually.

Wesley Sneijder not once, but twice

The always fiery Intercontinental Derby between perennial Turkish powerhouses Galatasaray and Fenerbahçe took centre stage in the country this weekend, and it was Wesley Sneijder who stole the show. With time ticking away and neither side able to craft an opening, the Dutch midfielder not only broke the deadlock with an absolute screamer in the 88th minute, he followed it up two minutes later with another brilliant strike to help his team claim a 2-1 win.

Ronaldo continues to make a mockery of defenders everywhere

Cristiano Ronaldo is the young child, and defenders everywhere are his plaything. He does whatever he wants to them, caring not for their well-being and discarding them without hesitation when he's gotten all the amusement he possibly can out of them - which usually takes 90 minutes or so. This week, his new toys came in the form of Levante's back-line. 

Marcelo Bielsa unwittingly sits on cup of coffee, burns backside

No words. Just watch, and allow Marseille manager Marcelo Bielsa to inspire the greatest abdominal workout you'll ever have.

(Courtesy: Reddit)

The Lowlight 

Mario Balotelli can't buy a goal for Liverpool

Daniel Sturridge, who has missed the last month with a thigh injury, was expected to make his return this past weekend against Queens Park Rangers. 

Instead, the English striker strained his calf during a training session, and will now miss a further two-to-four weeks. That means Liverpool will continue to rely heavily on Mario Balotelli to find the net.

At the moment, that can't be overly comforting for the Reds.

Why always him, indeed.

The Shocker

Juventus held by bottom feeders Sassuolo

Sassuolo went into Saturday's contest against Serie A leaders Juventus without expectation. Sitting at the foot of the table with just three points (all draws) from six matches and sporting a repulsive minus-nine goal difference, they were expected to offer little resistance to Max Allegri's juggernaut, who came into the match on the back of 12 consecutive league wins (dating back to last season).

But football likes to throw us all for a loop every so often.

An early goal from Simone Zaza, whom Juventus are expected to sign in the very near future using their right-to-purchase option on the striker, was enough to earn a point for the tiny underdog, as the Bianconeri could not muster a winner after Paul Pogba equalized in the 19th minute.

“They created problems for us tonight, we didn’t have many shots on goal and this allowed them to get several counter-attacks," Allegri said after the match. "They pushed us back and made us run risks, even though (Andrea) Consigli saved them a few times. We should’ve done better.

“Sassuolo deserve credit for forcing us to play differently and making life difficult for us. We struggled at the start, then got the game in hand, but overall didn’t have enough shots on goal, even from distance.”

The Controversy

The debate over diving is never going away

Swansea manager Garry Monk was incensed following his side's 2-1 loss to Stoke City on Sunday, lashing out at both Victor Moses and referee Michael Oliver after a clear dive by the Nigerian was awarded with a penalty - which Charlie Adam converted.

"Moses should be done for diving, for cheating," said Monk. "He should be ashamed of himself for diving like that.

"It was an absolute disgusting decision from the referee in terms of the penalty against us. He is supposed to be a professional referee at the highest level. He's the only guy who thought it was a penalty. Everyone in the stadium was amazed."

There were also some suggestions following Manchester City's 4-1 over Tottenham on Saturday that Frank Lampard was guilty of conning the referee into calling a penalty.

The debate rages on. It's never going to stop. 

In a world where players are expected to do everything possible to win, and their only deterrent is the possibility of light punishment (yellow card) from an official, who is very capable of basic human error, the reward greatly outweighs the risk.

The sooner we all stop acting like diving can be completely eradicated, the more enjoyable our fandom of the sport will be.

The 1,000 Words

This is probably cheating, considering that our 1,000 words is actually just a picture of two words scribbled on a notepad. Hey, rules are meant to be broken.

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho, whose side had to battle to secure a 2-1 win against Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park on Saturday, was asked during the post-match press conference about last season's 1-0 defeat in the same fixture. If you recall, he said after that contest that his side lost because they lacked the necessary testicular fortitude.

Why did they win this time around, Jose?

Stray Thoughts

• A very real argument can be made that Sergio Aguero, who scored all four goals in Manchester City's aforementioned victory over Tottenham on Saturday, is the best striker currently consuming oxygen.
• Something funky is going on in the Bundesliga. Three of the five teams occupying the bottom spots in the table have featured in the Champions League in recent years (Borussia Dortmund, Stuttgart, and Werder Bremen). Aside from the all-conquering force that is Bayern Munich, everything is upside down in Germany.
• Powered by two more goals from Cristiano Ronaldo (see above), who now has an absurd total of 15 in just seven La Liga matches, Real Madrid crushed Levante 5-0. Barcelona responded in kind with a 3-0 win over Eibar. El Clasico is five days away. Start getting excited.
• Keisuke Honda has very quietly put together a fantastic start to the year for AC Milan. The Japanese attacker is tied with Carlos Tevez and Jose Callejon for the Serie A lead with 6 goals.
• Andre-Pierre Gignac and his ten goals have powered Marseille to eight consecutive wins and top spot in Ligue 1, seven points clear of Paris Saint-Germain. Where are your fat jokes now?