Opening Day overreactions for every MLB team

The MLB lockout meant that not every team had its Opening Day on the same date this year. But every club had played at least one game by the end of Friday, and a couple of teams had played two; that's approximately 1.234% of the season (you can fact-check that).

That means it's time to glean grand conclusions from an incredibly small sample. Because, as we all know, no championship team has ever lost on Opening Day (don't fact-check that).

Arizona Diamondbacks: Hits in the first six innings are overrated. The Diamondbacks have yet to get a single base knock against a starting pitcher this year, yet they're a respectable 1-1 and have four hits against Padres reliever Tim Hill (who has thrown a total of 1 1/3 innings).

Atlanta Braves: Kenley Jansen is a sleeper agent for the Dodgers. He only allowed three runs while the Braves held a four-run lead so as not to arouse suspicion about his role with the defending champions, who still secured the win. After building juggernaut roster after juggernaut roster to win only one championship, the Dodgers have taken it upon themselves to send players to tank elsewhere.

Baltimore Orioles: Plenty of observers will make 0-162 jokes, but that's low-hanging fruit at this point. Do you know what isn't? The Orioles are on pace to finish with a minus-162 run differential. That would be their best run differential since 2017 and a staggering 135-run improvement over last year (excluding the pandemic-shortened 2020 campaign when they finished minus-20). Improvement is improvement.

Boston Red Sox: Not an overreaction at all: Just pay Rafael Devers whatever he wants. He's two years from being able to test free agency as a 27-year-old, and he hit a first-inning home run off of Gerrit Cole that caused fans at Yankee Stadium to boo their own ace on Opening Day. That's the stuff of legends.

Chicago Cubs: The floodgates are open after Nico Hoerner hit the first homer of the MLB season - his first since 2019. Chicago's middle-infield combo - including Nick Madrigal - now boasts a combined six home runs over 197 career games. Could the Madrigal versus Hoerner slugfest be exactly what the North Side needs?

Chicago White Sox: You know which team could use Craig Kimbrel right about now? The White Sox. Aaron Bummer allowed two runs, Liam Hendriks coughed up another pair and took the loss, and Garrett Crochet is opening the season on the injured list. Dodgers legend Kimbrel, meanwhile, struck out two in his first save for L.A.

Cincinnati Reds: The Reds are .500 after two games and have only used a couple of pitchers you've never heard of, which is better than expected. Here's the complete list of pitchers Cincinnati has sent to the mound so far this season: Tyler Mahle, Luis Cessa, Justin Wilson, Dauri Moreta, Tony Santillan, Reiver Sanmartin, Jeff Hoffman, Robert Scruggs, Daniel Duarte, Alexis Diaz, and Buck Farmer. Here's the thing: One of those pitchers is fictitious. (It's Moreta. Or is it Duarte? Or is it Scruggs?) We miss Sonny Gray.

Cleveland Guardians: The first run scored in the Guardians era was an RBI off the bat of Jose Ramirez, who has a newly minted $124-million extension. The bad news is they're also winless as the Guardians.

Colorado Rockies: To its credit, the Rockies' pitching staff seemed to solve Mookie Betts, Freddie Freeman, Trea Turner, and Justin Turner. The Dodgers' top four batters combined for just three hits while striking out eight times. But they are the Dodgers, and the bottom of the lineup includes nine-hitter Gavin Lux, who reached base more than any Rockies hitter.

Detroit Tigers: The El Mago experience is in full swing. The MLB season is long, and things only start to make sense after a lot of games - but Javier Baez is, as always, the exception. Baez's tenure with the Tigers began iconically with a pair of swinging strikeouts - both on sliders low and away. Then, of course, Javy played hero, showing off on a flyball that wound up in the outfielder's glove for what seemed like an out. Alas, it hit the wall first for the walk-off hit - just as the script had it all along.

Houston Astros: Many love to make "this guy is on pace for 162 home runs" jokes after one game. Frankly, it's tired. That's not even how "pace" works; the correct phrasing would be "prorated over a full season's worth of games." But get this: Kyle Tucker has played two games and has two home runs. He's on pace to hit 162 home runs.

Kansas City Royals: It's official: One game for Kansas City, and this is Bobby Witt Jr.'s team. A go-ahead RBI double in the eighth inning made him the hero of the game. That's not bad for a guy who hadn't turned 2 when the Royals drafted Opening Day starter Zack Greinke.

Los Angeles Angels: If Jo Adell can't hack it in the big leagues, the Angels are going to be rolling in the deep. "Take it easy on me," the rookie outfielder likely asks of his opponents. Hello from the other side, Adell's struck out a thousand times. Skyfall. You get it. He's bad, and these are Adele puns.

Los Angeles Dodgers: We need to talk about the washed-up former MVP playing for the Dodgers. You know who we're talking about: a flash-in-the-pan MVP season in his past, and now all he does is strike out. We're obviously talking about Freddie Freeman and Mookie Betts, who both struck out twice against the Rockies. But Cody Bellinger - famously known for his patient approach and bat-to-ball skills - made contact in every plate appearance and has yet to strike out.

Miami Marlins: It's easy to list the Marlins starting position players who didn't strand at least two runners against the Giants: Jazz Chisholm Jr. That's it. Every other starter and pinch hitter Brian Anderson stranded a pair, while Avisail Garcia and Miguel Rojas each stranded three. The solution: Make the whole plane out of Chisholm.

Milwaukee Brewers: Corbin Burnes' secret sauce is all used up. It took the right-hander 37 innings to issue his second walk of the season last year - well into his seventh start and after his 54th strikeout. This year, he walked the first batter he faced and gave up three free passes while only notching four strikeouts - against the Cubs, who struck out more than any other team in the majors last season.

Minnesota Twins: Thank goodness the Twins acquired Gio Urshela, or the new-look club would have been shut out to start the year. The new third baseman, who came over from the Yankees with Gary Sanchez in the Josh Donaldson trade, hit a solo homer for the team's lone run. And yet, Minnesota still pulled him for a pinch hitter. Perhaps teams shouldn't remove their only good hitter from the game.

New York Mets: Happy 30th birthday to Jeff McNeil, who has homered in 100% of the games he's played on April 8. In 2018, he hadn't been called up yet. In 2019, he had the day off. And in 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic postponed the start of the season. But in 2021, McNeil homered off Marlins reliever Anthony Bass. And this year, he hit another off Nationals starter Josiah Gray. The Mets should keep their clubhouse calendars set to April 8.

New York Yankees: Surprise! Starting Isiah Kiner-Falefa at shortstop to own Carlos Correa, Trevor Story, Corey Seager, Marcus Semien, and Javier Baez - all of whom have now suited up for American League rivals - has backfired. Maybe it's not important that a nine-hitter performs. But when Gleyber Torres is starting on the bench, it's a confusing tone to set for the Yankees, who have no excuse to be outspent by the Dodgers. Falefa went 0-for-5 in his Bronx debut and stranded six runners. How long will Yankees fans - who booed Gerrit Cole in the first inning - abide that kind of performance?

Oakland Athletics: Why are you reading this? What do you want? Stop this. Honestly. Respectfully, if you came here for insight on a team that had an Opening Day infield comprised of Tony Kemp, Seth Brown, Elvis Andrus, and Kevin Smith less than two years after featuring Matt Chapman, Matt Olson, and Marcus Semien, you should immediately do the following: Buy yourself a slice of your favorite pie or cake and choose a different team to back this year - you've earned it.

Philadelphia Phillies: Be cool, Phillies fans. After new recruit Kyle Schwarber hit an early home run, supporters demanded a curtain call from the slugger. After the game, he admitted it was "a little early for a first-inning curtain call." The Philadelphia faithful have just committed the baseball equivalent of saying "I think I love you" on the first date. With all due respect, chill.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Ke'Bryan Hayes left the game early due to a forearm spasm, proving that signing a bunch of documents on a $70-million contract extension right before Opening Day can hurt one's hand.

San Diego Padres: For a franchise that didn't get its first no-hitter until last year - one year to the day, in fact - new manager Bob Melvin is playing fast and loose with his starters making bids for them. Yu Darvish pitched six hitless innings Thursday, and Sean Manaea managed seven. That means Joe Musgrove will pitch eight Saturday before Blake Snell goes the distance in Sunday's finale against Arizona.

San Francisco Giants: After a historic 107-win season buoyed by unbelievable rebound years from Buster Posey and several veterans, the Giants needed Joey Bart to step up. What did the former second overall pick do? He hit the first homer of San Francisco's season. Be sure to leave space beside the Posey statue.

Seattle Mariners: The one-run wonders are back. Last year, the Mariners outperformed all expectations and metrics, narrowly missing the postseason but benefitting from a 33-19 record in one-run games. Statisticians would say that was thoroughly unsustainable. Well, so is the Mariners franchise. Seattle won 2-1 on Opening Day and has clearly cracked the code.

St. Louis Cardinals: The only other time Adam Wainwright, Yadier Molina, and Albert Pujols all started for the Cardinals on Opening Day was in 2009. Interestingly, that game was also against the Pirates, but it was a 6-4 loss rather than this year's 9-0 victory. Now that Pujols has avenged that decade-old defeat alongside the legendary Cardinals battery, he can retire a happy man.

Tampa Bay Rays: Wander Franco is the truth. We already knew this, but a three-hit performance to start his first full big-league season (in his first game since signing a $182-million extension) is just the beginning. It was only three singles, after all. Move over, Joe DiMaggio - 56 is getting broken.

Texas Rangers: This is the Rangers team everyone expected: a great lineup bolstered by the additions of Corey Seager, Marcus Semien, and Mitch Garver with a pitching staff that can cough up any lead at any time. Most nights, a seven-run lead will lead to a win. Perhaps MLB can introduce a mercy rule and save Texas from itself.

Toronto Blue Jays: This isn't even an overreaction: This offense is unstoppable. The Blue Jays used eight pitchers and didn't get a strikeout from the first seven. They're also the first team to score 10 runs or more in a single game and the only one to do it in the opener. Toronto could put anyone on the mound on a given night and still have a chance to win. That's good news for Jose Berrios, who allowed four runs while recording only one out in his first Opening Day start for the club.

Washington Nationals: Put Juan Soto in Bubble Wrap. It doesn't matter if it makes him far worse at baseball; the Nationals must protect their star slugger at all costs. We can all agree unwritten rules are stupid. But Washington pitchers keep plunking hitters - four already this year - and someone is going to seek retribution against the only player in the Nationals' lineup who matters.