Sex masochism and horny football: Van Gaal's best quotes as United boss

Louis van Gaal's reign at Old Trafford has ended, and along with it the opportunity to hear the outspoken manager deliver his (often hilarious) opinions and insights.

Never one to shy away from a microphone - or to feud with the one holding it for that matter - Van Gaal's two-year tenure at Old Trafford delivered a host of classic quotes that will not soon be forgotten.

Here are the best lines from the Dutchman's time in Manchester.

Adopting the Van Gaal 'philosophy' (July 17, 2014)

During his introductory press conference with the Red Devils, the Dutch tactician extolled the importance of his new players conforming to his tactical ideas.

"First I have to see how quickly the players can pick up my philosophy. I haven’t worked with most of them and it is very important that there is a click between the players and the manager. For me, the challenge is always first and not fourth."

Safe to say they didn't adopt the vaunted philosophy.

Luke Shaw needs to lay off the pies (July 29, 2014)

Not pleased with the fitness of £28-million left-back Luke Shaw, Van Gaal didn't mince words when describing the youngster's biggest area for improvement.

"I think he [Shaw] needs to be fit and he is not very fit, therefore he can’t perform what I want. He has to be fit first and to train individually."

He's made of iron (October 25, 2014)

When Jose Mourinho - ironically enough, the man who is all but certain to replace him - attempted to throw Van Gaal off with his typical mind games ahead of Chelsea's clash against United, the bombastic gaffer explained why he was unperturbed by the Portuguese.

"I’m made from a little bit of iron," Van Gaal said. "So I have a shield, an iron shield. Everybody can write or speak about me and I cannot change that."

A toast to friends in the media (December 23, 2014)

It seems incomprehensible now, but there was the odd occasion when Van Gaal wasn't in full-blown outrage at his treatment from the media. Raising a glass to assembled reporters during a December press conference, he had the following festive message:

“I am allowed to toast with you, my friends of the media. Merry Christmas. I wish your family a lot of love, health and happiness. Cheers. Not a bad wine. (It is) our sponsor.”

Twitchy bum time (January 22, 2015)

When criticism started pouring in over his use of a 3-5-2 system, Van Gaal responded by describing the state of his derriere on the United bench.

"We have won more games with 4-4-2, but when you analyse the games we have twitched our ass. I said to my players I was squeezing my ass, but it was the wrong expression. I have twitched my ass on the bench because we were out of balance."

Sounds uncomfortable.

Mike Smalling (July 22, 2015)

When discussing the trio of captains looked at to provide leadership amongst the players, Van Gaal made an unfortunate little blunder.

"The players have to accept the captains. The first captain is Wayne Rooney, the second captain is Michael Carrick, and the third is Mr. Mike Smalling. I mean Chris, sorry."

The central defender was sitting right next to him at the time, which made the error all the more gloriously cringeworthy.

Van Gaal's army (September 11, 2015)

Amid claims that he was losing support from the United faithful, Van Gaal made the bewildering claim that he was actually receiving vocal support from those who packed Old Trafford.

"The fans are shouting every week: Louis van Gaal’s army! Louis van Gaal’s Army! So also the fans are very satisfied with Louis van Gaal and the players are satisfied with me."

Enjoy the wine, and a mince pie (December 23, 2015)

The holidays always seemed to bring out the best (worst?) in Van Gaal, who stormed out of a press conference, uttering the following message to the media after answering just a trio of questions:

"Enjoy the wine and a mince pie. Goodbye."

This is getting boring (January 11, 2016)

Lambasted for his turgid brand of play, even the Dutchman admitted that there were times where he found his side difficult to watch.

"There are matches that I have enjoyed and there are also matches where I’m very bored or angry because we are not disorganising our opponent’s defence, but that is football."

The fat reporter (January 12, 2016)

Van Gaal did not react kindly when asked about his perceived criticism of struggling, goal-shy captain Wayne Rooney.

"We don’t speak any more about Wayne Rooney. You have criticised him. I don’t, you," he griped.

When Sun reporter Neil Custis quickly replied with "you too," Van Gaal stooped to a new low in his rebuttal.

"You too, fat man, there."

Horny football (February 24, 2016)

Following a stunning 2-1 loss to FC Midtjylland in the Europa League, Van Gaal implored his players to show more desire on the pitch:

"We have to keep the ball better and we have to move the ball quicker - that’s always what we have to do," he said. "Desire … it is a great word. I often use the word ‘horny’ with my players."

A shot at Tottenham (April 10, 2016)

After United was hammered 3-0 at White Hart Lane by title-chasing Tottenham, Van Gaal revealed why he decided to shun Spurs in favour of the job at Old Trafford.

"I like also to sign for Tottenham Hotspur. Daniel Levy knows that. But the challenge was bigger at Manchester United and shall always be bigger. I am sorry for Tottenham but Manchester United will always be the bigger club."

Impeccable timing.

Sex masochism (May 2, 2016)

The highlight of his time in front of the cameras.

When asked to defend Marouane Fellaini's elbow to the head of Leicester City defender Robert Huth after the two clashed inside the penalty area, the gaffer pointed to the German's yanking of Fellaini's massive afro as the cause for such an aggressive reaction from his midfielder.

"When you see what Huth is doing to Fellaini, that’s a penalty," he explained, before giving a quick demonstration.

"Shall I grab you by your hair? What is your reaction when I grab your hair?Your hair is shorter than Fellaini but when I do that, what are you doing then? It’s a reaction.

"Every human being who is grabbed by the hair, only with sex masochism, then it is allowed but not in other situations. They did it. They did it several times I think."

Defiant until the very end (May 21, 2016)

Arriving at the post-match press conference following United's FA Cup triumph, Van Gaal - understandably expecting to field questions about his side's first trophy under his watch - was instead inundated with the news that he was set to be replaced; reports that Mourinho would be hired broke roughly 30 minutes after the final whistle at Wembley Stadium, before Van Gaal even arrived in the conference room. He wasn't impressed.

"I show you the cup. And I don’t discuss it with my friends in the media, who have already sacked me for six months," he blasted. "Which other manager could do what I have done? I don’t want to talk about leaving the club."

So long, Louis. You'll be missed. If not for your football, then definitely for your performances in front of the media.