Ranking the nicknames of the 2018-19 rookie class
Frankly, there are a lot of bad nicknames populating the NBA. In the absence of a worthy alternative, most players default to some combination of initials (KD, KCP) and numbers (CP3). The only thing worse than an uncreative nickname is trying to bestow one upon yourself (looking at you, Kobe "Vino" Bryant).
With that in mind, let's highlight some of the nicknames of the 2018-19 rookie class - and break down their merits - from coolest and most intimidating (10) to weakest (1).
10 - Kevin "Fort" Knox, Knicks
Foreboding, steely, powerful. Not only does the nickname feature a pun, but the pun actually bears meaning in a basketball sense. If Kevin Knox can develop into a lockdown defensive forward, the headlines will write themselves. He may as well get ahead of the curve and go all in on the "Fort Knox" branding.
9 - Kostas Antetokounmpo, "Greek Freak 2.0," Mavericks
The "Greek Freak" is already a great nickname, and though it's sort of cheap to just co-opt older brother Giannis' branding, adding the "2.0" on the end does connote that there have been improvements on the original. Given the elder Antetokounmpo's near-MVP-quality season, that's a scary thought indeed, even if the Dallas Mavericks' No. 60 pick isn't expected to be that level of player.
8 - Marvin Bagley III, "Problem Child," Kings
Marvin Bagley III was pushing "MB3" for a while, which was weak on several levels (his number at Duke and now with the Sacramento Kings is 35, and there isn't much about the audio format .mp3 that strikes fear). He recently revealed that his Duke teammates took to calling him "Problem Child" because of the troubles defenses had in containing him. In addition to sounding like the name of a John Singleton movie from the 1990s, "Problem Child" gives Bagley a bit of a deviant streak.
8 - Grayson Allen, "Deebo," Jazz
We've seen plenty of variations on "Deebo" in the NBA. The Toronto Raptors' DeMar DeRozan has embraced the alliterative charm of the nickname in recent years, and Zach Randolph's "Z-Bo" is rooted in the same inspiration: The menacing bully from the 1995 film "Friday." It's a tough look to enter the league with the essentially same nickname as two multi-time All-Stars, but Grayson Allen certainly has the reputation as an agitator to back up the persona.
7 - Luka Doncic, "Wonder Boy," Mavericks
"Wonder Boy" is a high-risk, high-reward nickname. If Luka Doncic gives the impression of being a prima donna without performing wondrously on the court, he will be mocked relentlessly. However, if Doncic does live up to all of his pre-draft hype as perhaps the greatest European prospect ever, "Wonder Boy" will more than apt, helping it surpass its general cheesiness. Put another way, Superman can get away with a fairly milquetoast alias because he's actually super.
6 - Malik "Shake" Milton, 76ers
Shake Milton's name has a fantastic backstory. His late father Myrion "the Milkman" Milton was a standout hooper in his own right at Bartlesville Wesleyan College; as the son of the Milkman, the younger Milton has long gone as "Shake," as in milkshake. It's a testament to staying power when you've sported a nickname for so long that it essentially becomes your actual name.
6 - Khyri Thomas, "Tazz," Pistons
"Tazz" elicits visions of the Tasmanian Devil of Looney Tunes fame, the sort of vicious, whirling beast that can literally tear a defense to shreds. If he can deliver on that promise, the Detroit Pistons will be happy they spent a second-round pick on the Khyri Thomas.
5 - Collin Sexton, "Young Bull," Cavaliers
In a vacuum, "Young Bull" is a solid nickname for the No. 8 pick. It would just work so much better if Collin Sexton's Cleveland Cavaliers didn't play in the same division as the Chicago Bulls. "Young Cavalier" doesn't have the same ring to it.
5 - Donte DiVincenzo, "The Michael Jordan of Delaware," Bucks
Being the Michael Jordan of anything gives you an immediate baseline intimidation factor of 10, but with respect to the great state of Delaware, the second half of Donte DiVincenzo's moniker drops his overall rating to a 5.
4 - Robert Williams, "Boo Butt," Celtics
Robert Williams' nickname was a gift from his mother, much like Derrick Rose received the childhood nickname "Pooh" from his grandmother, so you can't really fault him for honoring family tradition. "Boo Butt" actually makes some sense, given the 240-pound center is expected to throw his heft around in the paint, but it's ultimately still a nickname for an adult man that prominently features the word "Butt."
2 - Mohamed "Mo" Bamba, Magic
2 - Moritz "Moe" Wagner, Lakers
2 - Sviatoslav "Svi" Mykhailiuk, Lakers
2 - Hamidou "Hami" Diallo, Thunder
These nicknames are like cement: More functional than anything resembling art. But for the sake of the Los Angeles Lakers' play-by-play team, for instance, "Svi" will do just fine.
1 - Mikal Bridges, "Noodles," "Inspector Go Go Gadget," "String Bean," "Brittle," "Praying Mantis," Suns
Look, you should never have more nicknames than games played at the pro level, especially when each one is less intimidating than the last. Not even the slightly dangerous-sounding "Praying Mantis" can make up for the collectively limp trio of "Noodles," "String Bean," and "Brittle." Imagine you're Anthony Davis, battling for position down low, and you realize "Noodles" trying to muscle you out of the paint. That's an automatic two points.
(Photos courtesy: Getty Images)