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Bizarro World Cup: Which Russia reject wins a 2nd-tier tourney?

Privately devastated that Italy failed to qualify for the World Cup, and publicly intrigued by lucrative sponsorship ties and placating some of football's most storied nations, Gianni Infantino called an emergency meeting of the FIFA Council on Wednesday. (Note: He did not.)

After years of serving as UEFA general secretary under Sepp Blatter's menacing eye, Infantino is no stranger to the appeal of increased revenue streams, prompting the FIFA chief to introduce a radical idea: an alternate World Cup.

Who, what, where, why, and when

In conjunction with Switzerland tourism, Infantino proposes a 16-team tournament in FIFA's backyard that precedes the 2018 World Cup in Russia. Four groups of four, selected from FIFA's 211 members based on recent qualifiers and one wild card, contest the games over a three-week stretch.

FC Basel's 38,000-seater St. Jakob-Park, Young Boys' Stade de Suisse Wankdorf, FC Zurich and Grasshopper's shared Letzigrund, and St. Gallen's Kybunpark are the four grounds selected to each host a group and the subsequent knockout stages. The final will take place at St. Jakob-Park on June 13, the eve of the World Cup, creating a seven-week block of wall-to-wall football.

To recognize World Cup failures past, each of the four groups will adopt a name rather than a traditional letter: Hand of God, Head of Zidane, Jaws of Suarez, and Foot of Baggio.

Each group of four will vie for top spot over a nine-day window. Each team will get a three-day break between matches, and instead of two nations advancing from each quartet, only one will progress. The four remaining teams will then contest the semi-finals, with the winner of Hand of God set for a clash with the victor from Head of Zidane, and the top side from Jaws of Suarez locked in with the toast of Foot of Baggio.

A tournament steeped in logic

The 16 competitors will cover all federations and regional bodies under FIFA's umbrella, with one side receiving a special invitation based on contributions to football. UEFA gets the biggest slice of the pie with five entries, four of which are the losing sides from the continental play-offs; the fifth is a nation mired in a disastrous spell whose impact on football over years of European exploits cannot be overlooked. Africa gets three entries, with the five runners-up in qualifying separated by points in the group stage, and CONMEBOL, CONCACAF, and AFC get two apiece. The remaining two nations are comprised of the losing sides from the intercontinental play-off, regardless of federation.

UEFA: Italy, Greece, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland; CAF: DR Congo, Zambia, Ivory Coast; CONMEBOL: Chile, Paraguay; CONCACAF: United States, Trinidad and Tobago; AFC: Iraq, Syria; Intercontinental: Honduras, New Zealand; Wild card: Netherlands

The 16 nations, lured to Switzerland with visions of shared television revenues and increased sponsorship funds for their respective governing bodies, are seeded based on the latest FIFA ranking before the tournament.

Based on the most recent rankings and a desire to split up the federations, the four groups would look like this:

Hand of God: Chile (9), Republic of Ireland (26), Greece (47), Syria (77)

Head of Zidane: Italy (15), United States (27), Ivory Coast (61), Iraq (80)

Jaws of Suarez: Netherlands (20), DR Congo (35), Honduras (69), Trinidad and Tobago (83)

Foot of Baggio: Northern Ireland (23), Paraguay (36), Zambia (77), New Zealand (122)

Reading the tea leaves

Hand of God: Copa America titles on the trot now seem a generation away for Chile as Alexis Sanchez, Arturo Vidal, Claudio Bravo, and Eduardo Vargas all submit their international retirements. A versatile yet undersized Gary Medel inexplicably leads the attack, but it's not enough. La Roja slumps to a trio of defeats, prompting a national day of mourning as the streets of Santiago are lined with burning effigies of Jean Beausejour. To the surprise of nobody, Ireland and Greece play to a scoreless draw, but that's enough for the former, as fox in the box Shane Long scores an injury-time winner over Syria to take group honours.

Pos. Team Points GD+/-
1 Ireland 7 +4
2 Greece 4 +2
3 Syria 4 +1
4 Chile 0 -5

Head of Zidane: Months after Gian Piero Ventura was driven out of town on a feral donkey, Italy appears revitalised under the tutelage of Luciano Spalletti, whose sole demand upon appointment was that every player shaves his head. It's not enough for the newly aerodynamic Azzurri, who suffer a shock defeat to the United States before drawing with the Ivory Coast and Iraq. The group comes down to a finale between a U.S. side managed by Bill Stadium (actually Bruce Arena in disguise) and Marc Wilmots' Ivorians. An attack of Jonathan Kodjia, Wilfried Zaha, and Maxwel Cornet is too much for the Yanks and a 8-0 result sees Les Elephants advance.

Pos. Team Points GD+/-
1 Ivory Coast 7 +10
2 United States 6 -5
3 Italy 1 -3
4 Iraq 1 -2

Jaws of Suarez: Forget Total Football; the Netherlands is simply looking to avoid total disaster. Thanks to the goal-scoring exploits of Memphis Depay, player-manager Klaas-Jan Huntelaar's charges cruise to victories over Honduras and Trinidad and Tobago before a group decider with DR Congo. Cedric Bakambu, a fit-again Yannick Bolasie, and Gael Kakuta (no, not this one) combine to give the Leopards a first-half advantage, but like a phoenix rising from the ashes of ineptitude, Ryan Babel comes on after the interval and bags a 10-minute treble to lead the Oranje to the last four.

Pos. Team Points GD+/-
1 Netherlands 9 +6
2 DR Congo 6 +1
3 Trinidad & Tobago 1 -3
4 Honduras 1 -4

Foot of Baggio: Sans a clear-cut favourite, this group benefits most from the efforts of seemingly ageless Paraguay legend Roque Santa Cruz and a world-class display from Bayer Leverkusen signing Miguel Almiron. The pair lead Los Guaranies to a comprehensive five-goal victory over New Zealand and a narrow result over Sven Goran Eriksson-managed Northern Ireland before losing the group finale with Zambia. The Copper Bullets are left to rue drab stalemates with Norn Iron and the Kiwis as Paraguay advances to the knockout stage.

Pos. Team Points GD+/-
1 Paraguay 6 +5
2 Zambia 5 +1
3 Northern Ireland 4 0
4 New Zealand 1 -6

Knockout stage

Ireland and the Ivory Coast lock horns at the Stade de Suisse Wankdorf, while the Netherlands and Paraguay meet at the Letzigrund with a trip to the finals on the line.

From the opening whistle, the Ivorians dominate the clash at the Wankdorf with a balanced approach. Serge Aurier bosses a helpless Stephen Ward on the left flank while Franck Kessie runs the midfield with an exquisite cocktail of tough tackles and incisive passes. Eric Bailly's glancing header off a cross 10 minutes from time forces Ireland's hand. As the Green Army pushes forward looking for an equaliser, Wilfried Zaha spins Glenn Whelan like a Lazy Susan on a dozen cans of Tennent's before besting Darren Randolph with a looping cracker. Les Elephants progress after a 2-0 victory.

An hour and change up the road in Zurich, Paraguay gets off to a rocky start against the Dutch after Juan Iturbe's two-footed tackle on Daley Blind gets the former Roma attacker sent off 20 minutes before the interval. Huntelaar's charges grab the match by its neck, as eventual Golden Boot winner Babel scores his seventh and eighth goals of the tournament before Quincy Promes bags a third in a 3-0 victory.

The final

It's orange versus orange at St. Jakob-Park as the Ivory Coast and Netherlands battle for Bizarro World Cup honours. Unfortunately, both sides have taken the pitch wearing orange, causing a brief delay.

After a stirring rendition of the Bizarro World Cup anthem by Pitbull, the Dutch opt for blue strips and match official Martin Atkinson blows his whistle. In an understandably cagey affair, the scoreline is stuck at 0-0 at the interval before the second half kicks off in spirited fashion with Wilfried Bony's stunning half-volley opener. The Ivorians' lead lasts a little more than five minutes, as Depay levels from the penalty spot after Bailly goes studs-up on Bas Dost on the edge of the penalty area.

A tense St. Jakob-Park crowd prepares for extra time as the minutes count down. Instead, Zaha and Kodjia combine on a dazzling give-and-go play in which the Aston Villa star nutmegs Nathan Ake before rocketing a strike to the top corner beyond a lunging Jasper Cillessen.

The Ivory Coast has won the first Bizarro World Cup by a 2-1 scoreline. Days later, a ticker-tape parade down the streets of Abidjan featuring cars provided by Kolo Toure marks a national holiday, and a bewildered Wilmots looks on, wondering how a side he managed actually won something.

(Photos courtesy: Getty Images)

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