MLS kit rankings: The good, the bad, and the hideous

Whoever says style over substance is a logical fallacy hasn't played football dressed like a rodeo clown.

With the MLS season set to kickoff Friday when Minnesota United FC visits the Portland Timbers, a slew of clubs - including the Loons and their expansion brethren Atlanta United FC - have released new sartorial statements.

Considering both secondary and primary offerings, here's an objective and not at all idiosyncratic ranking of the North American top-flight's freshest threads:

Secondary kits

LA Galaxy - Sharp as a tack with a heated tip, the LA Galaxy's blue-on-blue look paired with the yellow accents is an exquisite look. The added touch of "This is LA" will also be helpful for players who forget which side they play for. Gyasi Zardes may find this useful when he retrieves one of his misdirected passes in scenic Thousand Oaks. A+

Seattle Sounders - Defending MLS Cup champs Seattle Sounders will look like winners when they sport this fresh look, especially Ozzie Alonso before he inevitably soils his with grass stains courtesy of a sliding two-footed tackle. A

Colorado Rapids - Supposedly inspired by the Colorado state flag, the Rapids' new secondary offering isn't the most conventional strip, and because of that, it gets a good grade. B+

Columbus Crew - The new Columbus Crew strip is not Harrison Afful, it's Harrison Amazing, especially the checkered accents and the star honoring the club's 2008 MLS Cup triumph. B+

Minnesota United FC - Typically, expansion sides enter a league with a target on their backs. Not Minnesota United FC, who will instead sport one on the front of this inaugural kit, which is a lovely contribution save for the gaudy sponsors symbol and the lack of stripes on the shoulders. B+

D.C United - This unique look is a keeper, which is surely a coincidence considering how many issues D.C. United has had maintaining the health of its shot-stoppers. Big ups, Bill Hamid. B+

Houston Dynamo - Houston, we don't really have a problem here. Now the club just has to avoid the Western Conference basement for a second season on the trot. Crossing guards love this look. B

Chicago Fire - When you've finished bottom of the Eastern Conference with a lone away victory and a dire minus-16 goal differential like the Chicago Fire have, a paper-bag poncho would do. B

Real Salt Lake - Simple. Hygienic. Inoffensive. Nothing bad to say about Real Salt Lake's new secondary kit that is sure to fetch some decent coin on the second-hand market when Kyle Beckerman swaps it for a bag of trail mix. B

New England Revolution - Leave it to a side with a horrendous away record to opt for a two-sided strip, and the New England Revolution have done exactly that with the Feyenoord copy-cat kit. B-

Philadelphia Union - The new Philadelphia Union kit features the "Jungite aut Perite" slogan (Join or Die) which is taken from a 1754 Benjamin Franklin political cartoon based on eight segments of a snake representing colonies rebelling against British rule. ZzZzZzZz. C

Montreal Impact - Something about that grey triangle below the neck on the new Montreal Impact kit isn't sitting well with theScore's sartorial authorities. C

Atlanta United FC - Expansion sides don't get a second chance at making a first impression, and Atlanta United FC's secondary kit is a drab two-tone effort fitting of a Sunday league side rife with drunks and pensioners. D-

Primary kits

Portland Timbers - Seems unfair to criticize Atlanta for its two-toned effort only to praise the Portland Timbers for theirs, though there's nothing equitable when it comes to fashion. With "Ponderosa-engineered flannel," which is apparently a thing, and the slogan "There's a party in Portland - No one's sleeping tonight" this kit goes from the pitch to the pub with ease. A+

Toronto FC - Sleek and simple with muted hoops, Toronto FC's new strip is easy on the eyes in comparison to many of its peers. A

New York City FC - New York's latest offering is an improvement on last season's with the orange piping adding a chic element. Also ideal when drenched in perspiration, which is not an issue for Andrea Pirlo, but must be for recent signing, Ben Sweat. A

Orlando City SC - New stadium, new kit for Orlando City SC, and Kaka and Co. could do worse than this plum contribution highlighted by a charming collar and gold stripes. A-

Vancouver Whitecaps - According to a statement from the Vancouver Whitecaps, the triangles reflect "the area's famous rain." Be sure to grab the matching capri pants to reflect "the area's famous flooded basements." B

Atlanta United FC - When Orlando plays Atlanta, former Rossoneri standouts Kaka and Antonio Nocerino may notice something familiar with this entry. There are worse Milan-related kits, to be fair. B

Sporting Kansas City - With the message "No Other Club" written on the sleeve in hometown hero Matt Besler's handwriting, Sporting Kansas City's primary kit is boosted by a button-down collar and hygienic hues similar to that of a nurse. It works. B-

Columbus Crew - Imagine whistling for a taxi; Dilly Duka pulls up in a cab and asks for payment in advance. C

New York Red Bulls - On the topic of transportation, the New York Red Bulls' 2017 strip features script on the rear reminiscent of a flatbed truck's "How's My Driving?" expression. Meh. C

San Jose Earthquakes - Here's hoping a pair of tectonic plates shift and swallow all of these San Jose Earthquakes shirts. As they say on the west coast, this thing is hella hectic. C-

Minnesota United FC - Whoever signed off on this needs to visit their optometrists yesterday. D-

FC Dallas - Whatever. E+

(Images courtesy: MLSSoccer.com)