Football, Futbol, Fußball, Calcio: The Midweek Review

Every week, we'll take a stroll through Europe to review the best - and worst - the top leagues on the continent had to offer. As always, there is plenty to discuss after a full slate of action.

Instead of being forced to wait the customary seven days, fans were spoiled with a full docket of midweek action over the past 48 hours, with England turning its attention to the Capital One Cup while the other major European leagues continued on with their domestic campaigns.

Let's get to it, shall we? This week, the trip begins in Madrid.

The Storylines

Cristiano Ronaldo is scoring goals for fun

Last week, the Portuguese superstar notched a hat-trick in Real Madrid's 8-2 destruction of Deportivo. For an encore, Ronaldo found the net four times - albeit twice from the spot - in a 5-1 win over Elche on Tuesday. He now leads La Liga with nine (!) goals from just four matches this season.

Normal human beings can't sustain that level of production. And while the 29-year-old won't score at this rate all season, the fact that he continues, as he has in years past, to generate shots at an elite level - 6.75 per 90 minutes thus far - suggests he won't slow down that much anytime soon.

Underneath the sculpted abs, perfect eyebrows and slick hair, there is only metal.

It's the only explanation.

Liverpool survives marathon shootout against Middlesbrough

Thirty penalties.

Liverpool and Middlesbrough played to a 2-2 draw after 120 minutes on Tuesday, giving way to one of the most engrossing penalty shootouts in recent memory.

The Reds, getting two shootout goals from penalty-taker extraordinaire Mario Balotelli and one from 'keeper Simon Mignolet, walked away victorious after Albert Adomah blasted the 30th kick of the evening wide of the goal and into the Kop.

Juventus still dominant, but Roma matching their every move

Room on Massimiliano Allegri's bandwagon is running out - hop on while you still can. That seems to be the sentiment around Italy, as the oft-criticized manager has led his new team to four consecutive league wins to open the year following a 3-0 stroll in the park over Cesena on Wednesday.

The result saw Juventus become the first side in Serie A history to win its first four games of the season without conceding a goal. Not overly difficult opposition (Chievo, Udinese, Milan and Cesena) but impressive nonetheless, particularly considering how straightforward it has looked.

That was the case again this week, as the Bianconeri finished the evening with 29 total shots (13 on target) compared to just one (in each category) for Cesena. Dominance, indeed.

Roma, meanwhile, is keeping up its end of the bargain and maintaining pressure on the title-holders. Rudi Garcia and company needed a splendid 88th-minute free kick from Miralem Pjanic to escape with a 2-1 win over Parma, but three points on the board is what matters, regardless of how you capture them.

The two teams meet on Oct. 5. That should be quite the contest, and more telling than anything either has done so far this year.

The Highlights

Inter vs. Atalanta (Serie A)

Noted Johnny Depp lookalike Dani Osvaldo has a penchant for scoring spectacular goals. He hasn't found the net all that often recently - four goals in his last two seasons combined at Juventus and Southampton - but the Argentine-born Italian is off to a flying start at Inter this year with three tallies in four games. Wednesday, he added to his Rolodex of impressive markers with this bicycle kick.

AC Milan vs. Empoli (Serie A)

Fernando Torres isn't what he once was during his heyday at Liverpool. That player is gone, reserved to the pages of history. But perhaps he isn't as terrible as we all chide. In his first start for Milan, the Spaniard opened his account.

Tottenham vs. Nottingham Forest (Capital One Cup)

Every young player hopes their first goal will be a spectacular one. Unfortunately, not everyone gets so lucky. Hence phrases like "it wasn't pretty, but he'll tell his grandchildren it was a beautiful strike from 30 yards" - or some variation of that. Tottenham's Ryan Mason, making his debut for the club on Wednesday, won't have to lie to his grandkids. 

Marseille vs. Reims (Ligue 1)

Andre Ayew must be excited about the release of FIFA 15, because this was right out of a video game. A rabona is one thing. The nutmeg is just cruel.

(Courtesy: Reddit)

Manchester City vs. Sheffield Wednesday (Capital One Cup)

Jesus Navas literally turns his defender inside-out before firing a rocket into the roof of the net during the Citizens' 7-0 destruction of the second-tier side.

The Lowlights 

Barcelona vs. Malaga (La Liga)

Pedro is a very talented winger, and one of the more underrated attackers on a Barcelona team rife with supremely skilled players. He can hold his own against almost all of them. You wouldn't know it watching this.

Kaiserslautern vs. FC Union Berlin (German 2nd division)

Hang your head in shame, Philipp Hofmann.

The Shocker

Barcelona held without a shot on target, drop points against Malaga

It's not often Barcelona is stifled to the point where Lionel Messi, Andres Iniesta and company cannot muster a single goal. Not only did Malaga accomplish that in Wednesday's 0-0 draw - bringing Barca's perfect start to the season to an end - they remarkably held the Catalan side without a single shot on target in the contest.

“Malaga should get a lot of the credit but we weren’t able to tip the balance” Iniesta said. “But we should look on it as one point more and move on … Football is always about two teams, We tried to get the ball moving fast to gain superiority but they were very tight at the back. We tried to change our approach but we just couldn’t score.”

Luis Suarez - who we'll get to in a minute - can't return soon enough, it seems.

The Controversy

Umm, what is Asamoah Gyan being accused of, exactly?

With a lack of standout controversial moments on the pitch this week, we turn our attention to one of the strangest stories in recent memory off it.

Ghanaian striker Asamoah Gyan is having to deny rumors that he was responsible for the alleged ritual sacrifice of compatriot and friend Theopilus Tagoe, a rapper more commonly known in his home country as Castro.

Gyan has released a statement damning the allegations as "wild" and "absurd." I only hope he's telling the truth.

The 1,000 Words

Luis Suarez, gentle human being? Here he is with his daughter Delfina following his two-goal performance in a friendly match with Barcelona's B team on Wednesday.

(Courtesy: @Barcelona_HD)

It's all a ploy to distract us from the fact that he bites people in his spare time. Is that overly cynical? Yes, but sports can have that effect on a person.

Stray Thoughts

• Ciro Immobile is settling in well with Borussia Dortmund, scoring his second goal for the club since joining from Torino (via Juventus) this summer.
• Tick tock, Rafa Benitez. A 3-3 draw against Palermo won't help to calm those who want to see you sent packing.
• It's back to reality for Paderborn, the newly promoted side who sat atop the Bundesliga heading into Tuesday. A 4-0 loss to Bayern Munich was a stern reminder of the chasm in quality between the very best in Germany, and almost everyone else.
• It's nice to see Abou Diaby back on the pitch and playing well for Arsenal.
• Roberto Soldado scored a goal, an actual goal in a real game, for Tottenham. The end is near, friends.